When practicalities become emotional
The move has likely required a great deal of careful planning, which can reveal differences in how you and your partner approach practical tasks. Perhaps one is more laid back while the other prefers to plan out each step. A contrast that can lead to stress and arguments during a major move. Resentments can start to build, sometimes challenging the security of your relationship. Recognising these differences and developing effective communication becomes crucial to maintaining a connection that fosters closeness and allows you to weather the emotional storms that may arise.
We are more easily triggered in stressful situations:
In relationships, we all carry around “baggage” of previous experiences in our current relationship or in other relationships in our earlier lives. When we are under pressure, such as during a major international move, our wounds can be exposed, and we become more easily triggered and can experience intense emotional responses that are difficult to manage.
Everyone has their very own unique sets of triggers.
Some examples can be:
“The way my partner leaves it to me to plan the practicalities of our move”
“The way my partner criticises me”
“The way my partner detaches emotionally when they are stressed”
In relationships, triggers can encompass anything that brings up powerful emotions that are not directly related to the current situation with our partner. The challenge in the present moment, such as “when my partner detaches emotionally,” is challenging in itself, but it’s amplified when we’ve previously encountered a similar unresolved experience that caused us pain.
Being aware of our personal triggers in relationships allows us to recognise the difference between present issues and past experiences, allowing for growth and connection rather than adding strain on the relationship.
Integration in Denmark
After the initial excitement of the move, the reality of everyday life sets in and finding a way to establish yourselves in Denmark can feel challenging. Bureaucratic systems can be difficult to understand and access, and the practicalities again become emotional when you face barriers to integration. For example, you may need to apply for immigration status, and this status hinges on criteria that relate to the Danish partner, thus resulting in an unequal dynamic that creates tension between partners. Or perhaps you struggle with having a limited social network, which can result in a sense of isolation, thus putting extra pressure on both of you to fulfil each other’s needs.
It’s all about social networks:
Many internationals who move to Denmark report that it can be difficult to break into established social circles. It can initially feel like being left out of an exclusive club, which can lead to feelings of isolation. If you have moved from a place that has a warmer approach to relationships or where making new friends is easier, it can be a shock to enter a society where social and professional networks feel impenetrable.
Establishing a support system is important not only for your own wellbeing, but also plays a crucial role in the health of your relationship. New friendships and social connections can provide fresh energy and new perspectives that can help lighten the load and prevent you from putting too much pressure on your partner to fulfil your needs.
Find your community:
Denmark has a strong tradition of well-organised communities and group events. There is a deep understanding of the importance of social engagement and contributing to the wider community. Joining groups or activities that match your interests opens the door to meaningful connections and a sense of belonging. Whether it’s a group at your child’s kindergarten, a fitness or winter bathing club, or involvement in a charitable cause, these communities can give you the opportunity to expand your network and build the support you need as a couple.
You, me and our new life
Moving to Denmark as a couple is not just a physical transition, it’s also a journey of emotional growth and resilience. By recognising the challenges, understanding the triggers and actively seeking out community, you can transform the integration process into an opportunity to strengthen your connection, provide mutual support and build a solid foundation for your relationship.
If you feel you and your partner would benefit from therapy sessions with a psychologist, you are very welcome to contact me for further information and/or to book an appointment. Below is a link to my profile page and calendar:Mirjam Klann Thullesen
